And the Oscar goes to....

Although I am the math teacher of record for the 65 kids that rotate through my classroom daily, I do have an instructional block with my homeroom that is geared toward writing and mechanics. Today they were supposed to write a compare/contrast essay about two of their favorite movies. As I was explaining the assignment to them, I was trying to think back to my times as a 4th grader. What would I have written about? I probably would have picked Star Wars as one of my movies. At my time in 4th grade, Star Wars would have already been out for 2 or 3 years. However, I went through this period of infatuation with Star Wars from the first day I saw it, to umm…. Actually, I’m still kind of obsessed with the whole thing today. For the second movie, I probably would’ve picked Close Encounters of the Third Kind or maybe Jaws. As far as movies go, they are all pretty timeless. They had quite a bit of critical acclaim attached to them, as well.

So what would my students pick as their favorite movies? I have to say that I was very disappointed. A compare and contrast paper on The Dark Knight and Iron Man is not a bad idea to start off with. Unfortunately, it was the best that anyone had to offer. The movies got progressively worse from there. Try Friday the 13th vs. Jeepers Creepers or Michael Myers vs. Freddy Krueger.

Good Lord.

These are 9 and 10-year-olds I’m talking about (and, err… um a couple of 11-year-olds as well). What’s going on at home, I ask? Not only are these movies with little or no artistic merit (apologies to horror movie buffs), but they are movies for adults. My students are watching movies with deranged, psychopathic murderers as the main characters, and these movies are apparently making quite an impact on my students. What would happen if kids were allowed to vote on the Oscars? Or, better yet, what would happen if my students were allowed to vote on the Oscars? That suggestion alone is a horror movie in the making.

What about Wall-E? What about Bolt? Night at the Museum? Marley and Me? These movies are a little more age-appropriate, but not a single one was mentioned. And I’m sure there are a lot more out there that are age-appropriate that I just can’t think of right now. I assure you, none of those were mentioned either.

So where does all this lead us?

Lung cancer.

Perimeter and Area: The Bane Of My Existence

Recalling back to my days of youth, I can remember some challenging issues involving my "understanding" of math. There was the whole algebra thing. A+B=C, right? So X+Y=Z, correct? Variables... ugh. It's embarrassing to think of me having such a hard time grasping those concepts. If someone had just told me, "It's like having missing numbers, and you try to find the number that fits," I might have been spared months of anguish. Instead, I felt like I was trying to decipher some new alphabet. When can A also be a C, anyway?

Don't even let me get started on the whole geometry thing. Proofs. Corollaries. What kind of math was that anyway? I had never done so much writing in math before. Of course, it would've helped if I hadn't goofed around so much.

Maybe this is my penance.

You see, perimeter and area were such easy concepts for me. I'd even venture to say I learned them both in a day. And when I say I learned them both, I mean that I understood the concepts behind them. I like for my students to have a grasp on the "concept" of what I'm teaching. I could easily say, "for perimeter, add all the sides. For area of a rectangle or square multiply the length by the width." But no, I like for them to explore the concepts in more detail. And the more I let them explore, and the more I try to guide them to this "elusive" concept, the more convoluted it becomes. I've tried teaching the two concepts separately. I've tried teaching them back to back. I've tried teaching them jointly. But, for all intents and purposes, I might as well be teaching the theory of relativity.

I use blue painter's tape to tape off outlines of various shapes on my classroom floor (which has tiles that are 1 foot x 1 foot). I have them explore perimeter and area that way. I have them explore perimeter and area on 1 cm x 1 cm grid paper. Most of the times, however, I feel so frustrated, I'd like to put my students on the other side of the perimeter of my classroom.

So, I finally start to feel like I'm making some headway with them. I decide to give them a more rigorous and challenging activity. I give them centimeter grid paper. On the board I write 4 or 5 problems that ask them to make rectangular shapes on their grid paper that meet certain criteria. For example: "Draw a rectangle with an area of 20 square centimeters and a perimeter of 18 centimeters." The stuff I get back blows my mind. Either they ignore the first part of my criteria or the last part. I'll get a rectangular shape that is 2 cm x 10 cm, which meets the criteria for area. But, it does not meet the criteria for perimeter. Or, I'll get a rectangular shape that has a perimeter of 18 centimeters, but does not have the correct area. And it's not like I haven't taught them strategies for generating multiple rectangles that all look different, but have the same areas.

Don't even get me started on the fact that, involving perimeter problems, some students just add 2 sides of a rectangle because those are the only sides that are labled. It's an exercise in futility.

All I know is, God help me if I ever need to hire one of them to install carpet later in life. I have a feeling that they won't bring enough rug with them.

Listen and Learn.

Elementary students are just weird. When I'm talking to them, they don't listen. When I'm not talking to them, they listen. One student asks me something, one on one. I answer, and some other student thinks I'm talking to him. This gives me a recollection about an announcement made last year over the P.A. The announcement was for teachers, reminding them that summer dress code was over the next week. Female teachers would have to wear the appropriate hosiery and male teachers would have to wear ties. To which one of my boy students queried afterwards, "We have to wear ties next week?"

I'm not that old. I still have recollections of elementary school. I could multitask. I could listen and work. I knew when the teacher was talking to someone else. I distinctly recall my ears being wide open during independent work. I was a shy kid and didn't like to raise my hand or bring attention to myself. I didn't ever want to ask for help, so I'd eavesdrop. The teacher would walk around the class and assist students who were struggling. In situations where I was stuck or confused, I would listen to what the teacher was telling other students. It helped a lot.

And all I had was an Atari. And before that, some dinosaur-ponglike contraption from Sears. The reason I bring up the gaming consoles is because I think they probably have some effect on the development of a person's ability to multitask, to think while working, hand/eye coordination. They heighten one's sensory abilities, no?

So then why do my students have terrible sensory abilities? They have Game Boys and PSP's. They have PS2's. Some have PS3's. They have X-Box consoles. Custom kitchen deliveries. They brag about them all the time. They got the guitar hero and their chicks for free. Yet, their sensory abilities seem low to me.

When state test time comes around, I proctor for a different grade level. Last year, I proctored a 3rd grade class (a lower grade than what I teach). On the 3rd grade math test, students are allowed to have a question orally read to them, if they so request. So, it never fails. I am called upon to read several questions throughout the test at various times throughout the day. So, little Johnny raises his hand because he is having trouble interpreting the long-winded question that is question # 14. He asks if I can read the question to him, and I politely oblige. I read it to him in a normal "talking" tone. I don't whisper. While I'm reading the question to him, little Susie's hand goes up in the air. Little Susie sits one chair across from little Johnny. I finish reading the question to Johnny, and move over to Little Susie. I ask her what she needs. She responds by asking me to read the long-winded question that is question # 14. Ummm. Just did. Remember? Fifteen seconds ago, when I was right next to you reading it to little Johnny? Wake up Little Susie, wake up!

Of course I end up reading that question at least 5 more times in the next 10-15 minute time-span. It's like their survival instincts are turned off. Which of course leads to my next conclusion: school isn't a do or die scenario for them. Success in school is not ingrained into their heads. Or else, maybe they would try to listen and learn with every opportunity. They need to go into "survival" mode. Maybe cattle prods in the classroom?

I kid.

Sorta.

Hot Cheetos: Spawn of the Devil? Or Life?

This country is going down the tubes.
There... I said it.

In another 10 to 20 years... when my former
students are out in the workforce, these are some
of the predicted conversations that will occur:

Former Student: "I'm sorry, but according to this
X-Ray, you have cancer."

Patient: "Oh my God! Really?
How do you know? Show it to me?"

Former Student: "That
spot right there."

Patient: "Um... that's a Hot Cheeto
crumb."

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Customer: "What areas or companies do you recommend that I
invest my money in?"

Former Student: "Frito Lay"

Customer: "Really, why?"

Former
Student: "They make some good tastin' Hot Cheetos."

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Police officer: "Why did you run that red light?"

Former Student: "I spilled my bag of Hot Cheetos on the
floor and was trying to pick them up."

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The Joint Chiefs: "Mr President, we are at DefCon 5. The
Iranians have just launched 50 long range ICBMs and they're headed right for
us."

Former Student: "Get me my suitcase with the
nuclear codes right now!"

Presidential Aide: "Here it
is, Mr. President."

Former student unlocks suitcase.

Former Student: "Um... this is my Hot Cheeto stash. You
see another dark black suitcase lying around here somewhere?"

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Ok. So I'm using quite a bit of
poetic license here. I admit it. One of my former students
as President of the United States? As a doctor?

Nope, I don't think so. The group I have this year
is about as serious for their education as a clown
and a whoopee cushion.

The Hot Cheeto....

It corrupts the mind.

Maybe the conversations might be more along these lines:

Boss: The customer is complaining that her car
hasn't been working right since you changed her oil. Check it out, now!"

Former Student opens car hood, opens oil cap, and looks inside.

Former Student: "So, that's where my bag of Hot Cheetos
went!!"

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Garbage Collector 1: "Hey dude, there's almost a full bag of
Hot Cheetos in that lady's garbage!"

Former Student:
"Nu Uh, Really man?"

Garbage Collector 1: "Seriously,
dude! You should take em' man!"

Former Student: "Hell
yeah, I'm gonna take em'"

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I swear that stuff has nicotine in it... or something.

I have never known of any substance, aside from Spice, to cause such a hubbub of excitement, commotion, and general pants-going-craziness.

If they made it illegal, it might solve the drug problem in this country.

The Hot Cheeto.... Is Life....