Take Me Out To The Ballet

The other day, during recess, another teacher was playing baseball with the kids. It wasn’t an actual game or anything. Actually, it was more like just pitching and hitting…no base running. He would pitch the ball until someone hit it or struck out, and then it would be someone else’s turn.

After observing this little "interaction" between teacher and students, I came to the conclusion that baseball is a dying sport. Actually, I’ve had this opinion for a long time now. I haven’t been to a major league baseball game since probably around 1996, whatever year that was that the Texas Rangers made their first post-season appearance. I was already a little disillusioned from the strike that had occurred a couple of years before that, and my attendance to games had severely dipped. Sure, I followed it on TV somewhat (especially during the Mark McGuire/Sammy Sosa homerun derby year), but I never really got back into it. I suspect many other people (including dads, uncles, and grandfathers) didn’t get back into it as well, thus alienating it even further from a younger generation.

Anyway, back to my observations....

The kids were lined up to take a swing, and the first thing I noticed was that the first person in line to bat was not more than 2 or 3 feet away from the actual current batter. Last I heard, a baseball bat was longer than 2 feet. I would just cringe each time a pitch was made and the bat would swing. Surely, someone was going to get hit. The teacher pitching had to constantly keep telling the kids in line to back up. They absolutely had no concept of "batter's box". They might as well have been umpiring the pitches. Anyway, we can just chalk that up to over-anxiousness. Everybody is always dying to get their chance, and these kids were definitely hungry for a chance to hit the ball.

The most tell-tale sign though (that baseball is on its way out) was the at-bats. You could tell that some of these kids have never held a baseball bat in their lives. I’m talking N-E-V-E-R. Some kids were holding the bat with their left and right fingers intertwined. Oh my gosh! Back in my day, that would’ve branded you as a sissy! Only girls could get away with holding the bat like that (apologies to the ladies). And, by no means am I saying that these kids are sissies. Some are, but most of them aren’t. Yet, there they were, holding the bat in the most passively demure of ways.

The next noticable tell tale sign was the swinging pirouettes that I witnessed. Sorry (again) female readers, I don’t want to sound sexist because I’m not. But the swinging pirouette is so-o-o-o-o-o girly! For those of you who don't know, the swinging pirouette is when the batter takes a futile swing at the passing ball. Of course, the batter whiffs and then commences to spin on his foot (Newton's little known 4th law comes into play here--for every whiffed baseball, there is an equal and synonymous 1,080 degree spin). These kids would’ve had more success in a ballet class, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. They actually, in fact, probably have a better chance of becoming a dancer later on in life than becoming a world-famous soccer, football, or basketball star.

The last tell tale sign has got to be the influx of butterfly collectors into the baseball arena. Some people might consider butterfly collecting a demanding physical exercise that requires exceptional skill with a net, but don’t ever get that confused with baseball. Sure the baseball doesn’t flutter around directionless like a butterfly, but the butterfly doesn’t fly staight at you at speeds approaching 100 miles per hour (40 or 50 miles per hour in the case of these kids). Anyway, you’d think these kids were hunting butterflies. Swinging the bat with one hand while leaping gracefully into the air is not going to get you a base hit. Amazing. You might have some luck netting a buttefly in this manner, but you will not net a chance on base, that’s for sure.

So, to sum up.....

These kids suck! These kids are much better shooting a ball through a hoop, kicking a ball into a goal, and leaping into the air to catch a football while defenders are eagerly converging on them to make a hit. They are much better at these because they have the experience and the practice. They are in leagues for these sports, its obvious. But baseball? The kids have no concept. Don’t even get me started with the concept of bases. I have a strange suspicion that some of them wouldn’t know what to do or where to go if they actually had the sheer luck to connect on a pitch.

As for me......

I’m actually scheduled to see Rangers vs. Bosox next month with my dad, uncle, and brother. It will be my first MLB game in over 10 years. But, I’m not even really going for the game as much as I am going for the nostalgia of going to a game with my dad, brother, and uncle. Of course, beer and jumbo dogs come in a very close second. Actual interest in the players and the game: a distant third.