WTF?

Today, I (along with an assortment of other teachers) was asked by my boss to come up with a list of predicted passers and failers of the big state standardized test coming up in the next few months. This request was made, of course, at the behest of his boss who probably feels the need to justify his paycheck. Who knows for sure?

However, this request is not very unusual or unreasonable. Predictions like that go on in my head on an almost daily basis. When I ask a student what 10 + 7 is, and they have to put it down on paper to find the answer, I file that student's name in a section of my brain called the "uh-oh" file. This is basically the file that contains the names of all students in danger of failing the state standardized exam. Of course, this process takes a fraction of a nanosecond to complete. It basically goes like this:

Me: "Student A, what is 10 + 7?"

student reaches for pencil and/or paper

FILING COMPLETE. Next student please.

I'm not judging that student. I'm just making a mental note to myself that this particular student may need some extra help during the year, whether it be tutoring or common-sense class. After 11 years of teaching, I can make pretty accurate predictions about who is going to pass and who is going to fail the test.

So, anyway, we were asked to compile a list of potential passers and failers by Friday. Not a big deal. But, then the real problem arose in the next request: not only did they want a list of predicted passers and failers, but they also wanted a list of predicted gains and losses per student. So, it basically goes like this:

• I look up the student's scale score from last year's test.
• I pull the student's scale score for this year's upcoming test out of my ass.
• If the score out of my ass is more than last year's, then its a gain.

Simple, right? You see, student A (who made a scale score of 1,990 on last year's test) is going to have a bout of diarrhea on test day this year. This, combined with his test anxiety and the fact that he will wake up 20 minutes late and miss breakfast, will decrease his scale score by 20 points. Who woulda figured?

This just goes to prove my point that the people in charge of the people in charge of the people in charge...shouldn't be in charge. How can someone make a request like that and keep a straight face? It basically goes like this:

• They don't have a clue.
• They haven't taught in several years.
• They hate me.

It's a plot, no doubt, concocted by the same evildoers who made me drive to school in the ice last week.